A snarky blog post about Ben Christensen
Ben Christensen. Ben. Christensen. Where do I even begin? (Talking about Ben Christensen, that is.)
1. Did you know that “Christensen” means “son of Christian”? Did you know that Ben’s father is not, in fact, named “Christian”? Yep, that’s the kind of slick salesman we’re dealing with, folks, someone whose very name is a lie. Well, I’ve got new for you, Ben. The truth has a way of coming out.
2. Ben Christensen recently moved from Utah (the Lord’s Chosen State) to Washington, a state that’s pretty much part of Canada. And Canada, as we well know, is peopled entirely by criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them . . . no, wait, that’s Australia. Dang. What was my point, again? Oh yeah, Canada. What’s up with that, anyway?
3. Not being satisfied with having one master’s degree, Ben Christensen has recently decided to pursue a decadent second master’s degree. Gee Ben, isn’t the high school dropout rate high enough, already? Save a little education for the rest of us.
4. Oh, and did you know that the “sen” in “Christensen” means “son”? Notice how it’s not spelled “son,” though? That’s because it’s NOT ENGLISH. Yes, even though Ben Christensen’s family has been in the United States for multiple generations, they still haven’t fully assimilated, with what I think are obvious results. Ben Christensen is probably the kind of person who thinks that Latinos should keep speaking Latin, too.
5. Ben Christensen and his wife have two kids. Actually, I have nothing to say about that right now. But if they don’t have any more, then I’ll say that they’re bad Mormons. And if they do, then I’ll point out that the Earth is already overpopulated as it is. Check back in a few years to see which way this one goes.
6. Ben Christensen’s library science program is so trendy it’s not even a library science program. It’s an information science program. “Information science” – what is that, exactly? Stuff science?
7. Although Ben Christensen is well known in some circles, did you know that he’s actually the same person as Benjamin Christensen? What are you trying to hide, Mr. Christensen? Or should I say – Mr. CHRISTENSEN?
8. Ben Christensen exhales carbon dioxide with every breath. This is the same gas that’s been linked to global warming and the hole in the ozone layer. Good job, Ben! Why don’t you just go chainsaw an old-growth forest, while you’re at it!
9. One final thought: “Men are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken and the rest are gay.”
I’m going to go post this on the Internet. I sure hope no one reads it.